Ladies, I see this one all the time. You aren’t going to like it, and you will shake your head laughing (hopefully) when you read it, because it’s so obviously doomed from the start. That’s why I aptly refer to it as the Ugly Loop of Doom.
The Ugly Loop of Doom represents the idea of how you might hook together declaring that you want something with the need to see the evidence of it being possible before you’re willing to acknowledge that you want it.
There are some variations on this theme, such as being worthy of having the thing you want, being ready to have it, being willing to have it, etc. But the bottom line is, when you aren’t sure if you can have it, you look for the evidence that it’s possible before you declare that you want it.
For example, if you live in the United States, and you’ve connected with an amazing man in Spain with whom you think would be a really great relationship fit, you might doubt that this relationship is possible. There are lots of reasons that you aren’t sure if you can have this relationship because it would require some circumstances to change for one or both of you. But instead of thinking, “I don’t know if this will work out, but I’m going to move forward and treat it as if I want it to,” you basically turn around and look everywhere to see the evidence that it’s going to work before you step into it. And it just doesn’t work that way.
Close your eyes for a second. (Wait, read the instructions and then close your eyes!) Think about your best friend in the whole world. Think about your relationship with this person now. Reflect on all that you share, the history you have, your communication patterns, the things you don’t have to say because you know each other so well, and anything else that feels significant about your relationship.
Ok, now close your eyes for a minute or so and really get a solid picture of what all of that feels like.
Now, I want you to think back to when you first met your best friend. Did you have all the things with her* that you have now? Did it feel the same, or was it sometimes awkward? You probably had to invest some time to get her up to speed on who you are, what you’re about, and what you like. And you probably didn’t know from the beginning what your relationship with her would look like right now. But at some point, you also probably had to acknowledge that you wanted to be friends with her.
What if, before investing any time sharing about yourself, you demanded that she provide you with every intimate detail about herself as well as a schedule of her availability so you would know from the get-go if you had room for her in your life? (She probably would have thought you were crazy and run for the hills, by the way.) What if you were looking all over for evidence that she would be your best friend? Would you even know what evidence to look for?
The point being, if you go into any shared experience holding your cards close to your chest while looking for the evidence that you can get what you want out it, you will always be wrong.
You may be scared of not finding it, you may not be certain that the relationship you want exists, but you do have to act as if it’s possible. Once you bravely step into the thing you want (and that starts by simply admitting to yourself that you want it), you will start to see the evidence unfold that you can have what you want. And the Ugly Loop of Doom is no more. You’re welcome. 🙂
Over in the Facebook page, feel free to share what brave admission you’re going to make to yourself to have the relationship you want. I can’t wait to support you in finding it!
*Yep, your best friend can totally be a dude. I just picked one for the sake of neat and tidy grammar…thanks for rolling with it.