I had a client share with me last week that no one is attractive when she’s tired. I loved this, because it is so true. It’s relatively simple to walk into a room and look around and say, “No one here is attractive.” (Here, the issue is external – the outside world is not cooperating with your desires.) It’s much more astute to notice what about you might be contributing to that perception. (Here, the power is in taking responsibility for the thing you can control: you.)
Think about how you feel when you’re on vacation. You’re lying on the beach, sipping a cool drink, reading a book…you notice the sounds of the ocean, you appreciate the smell of the salty air. Your senses are all heightened because you have space to notice them. Everyone that walks by is tanned, glowing and happy. And chances are good that you can find something attractive about most of them.
Now flip that switch back to the daily grind. You commute, you work your ass off, you then you commute some more. You can barely be bothered to look up from your book (wait, who are we kidding, I mean cell phone) to see if there are any hotties on the bus with you.
So not only is it difficult to see people as attractive when you are tired or stressed, it is also difficult to feel attractive in this state.
When we are tired, overwhelmed, overworked, and on the verge of burnout, we feel scarcity.
There is inherently not enough.
And sometimes those feelings of scarcity lead to anger and resentment. You’re secretly frustrated with the world that you work so damn hard and there still isn’t enough. Those feelings of scarcity can often lead to entitlement. This is dangerous territory, because who likes to spend time with folks who are entitled?
You might be coming from a place of scarcity if you experience any of these thoughts:
- I don’t have enough energy for this.
- I don’t have time for bullshit.
- I don’t have enough to share.
- Why should I have to tell him/show him/teach him how I like to be treated? Shouldn’t he just know?
- I do enough – why should I have to make the first move?
- Men should court me.
- I don’t have time to waste on anything below my standards.
If you are tired, overwhelmed, overworked and on the verge of burnout, I know all of those feelings are true. I’ve been there. The thing is, a perception of there never being enough will not remotely create the possibility for the relationship you want.
In fact, you’ll likely attract men who are needy and want more of your time than you’re willing to give.
How to flip the scarcity switch to one of more than enough?
There are a couple of things to do here. The first is to look at how scarcity serves you? How do people respond to you when you say things like, “I’m really busy,” or “I don’t have enough time for that”? How do you make yourself feel better for living in a scarcity mindset?
You probably get attention, some empathy, and lots of commiserating. (Because pretty much everyone and their dog LOVES to talk about how busy they are. They try to one-up you with their busy-ness, I’d be willing to bet.)
You also probably get let off the hook for doing anything about getting the relationship that you want. Saying you don’t have time, aren’t willing to tolerate anything less than you deserve, etc, is a great way to avoid the deeper desire you have for love. It’s a way you tell yourself that it’s ok that you don’t have it right now. But…it’s an excuse. (If you really want it, you can have it, no matter how much you have going on.)
Telling ourselves that there isn’t enough is another form of settling. We act as if we don’t have a choice about getting less than we want in life.
Ready to be done with that bullshit?
In order to have what you really want, you have to make sure that your beliefs (and your resulting words and actions) reflect that you can have what you want.
One way to do that is to turn those scarcity beliefs above into different beliefs that reflect the reality you’d like to experience.
- I don’t have enough energy for this —> I have plenty of energy for all the things that are important.
- I don’t have time for bullshit —> I have time to play and be lighthearted.
- I don’t have enough to share —> I have more than enough to share.
- Why should I have to tell him/show him/teach him how I like to be treated? Shouldn’t he just know? —> I am more than happy to take responsibility for having what I want, and that includes showing a willing man how I like to be treated.
- I do enough – why should I have to make the first move? —> I enjoy and appreciate being pursued by men.
- Men should court me. —> I enjoy expressing what I want and I know the difference between that and over-investing in men who aren’t interested in me.
- I don’t have time to waste on anything below my standards. —> I have a clear picture of what makes a man a good match for me.
Doesn’t that feel better?
Even if the actual statement of belief reflects the same idea, using different words to describe having what you want in positive terms makes it all feel different. Better. More possible.
Are you ready to have the relationship that you really want without settling? In the comments below, let me know what is one scarcity belief you have currently, and what you want to change it to. Can’t wait to hear!