I told a man I love him today. Odd, because he’s not my boyfriend. We’re not even dating.
We were dating once upon a time, but I didn’t tell him I loved him then. I’m pretty sure I knew it, but wasn’t ready to admit it. I wasn’t sure if it would be reciprocated. I do know that every interaction I had with that man was and is so full of love that it now feels a little silly to say that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to express it, since love was oozing out of my being in every other way possible.
Why did I tell him today?
Two reasons, really. The first is that my body is pretty remarkable at yelling at me if something is off. (It’s a wonderful gift and something I curse simultaneously. The only way for me to stop cursing it is to listen to it sooner!) My body has been yelling at me for days, after a recent interaction with him. I can barely move my neck and I’m in a ton of pain.
The second is that it started to be so painfully obvious to me that I was avoiding it. I was creating other problems and pointing to them, wanting him to address those. But really, they were all just a roundabout way of saying, “I love you, and I just want to be loved back.”
Because I wasn’t sure about the loved back part, I added on top of that other reasons why I should just ignore it. He didn’t deserve it. We aren’t together. I need to move on. It might hurt.
Stop Abandoning Yourself
The thing I can appreciate about my neck hurting is that it wouldn’t let me forget that there was something inside of me needing to be said, needing attention, needing acknowledgement.
Anytime you ignore a part of yourself that wants to be expressed, you tell yourself it doesn’t matter, that it isn’t important.
It may not be important to the person you share the moment or the feeling with, but it sure as hell is important to you. You know, when you feel slighted and you don’t say anything. When you’re sad about a breakup or a date not working out, but he’s already made his decision about it, so what’s the point? When your mom really pissed you off, but what’s done is done and you can’t change her and you’re over it. There’s something in there that you want to express.
Today when I told him I love him, I had to wait for a while for any kind of response. And in the waiting, I felt such relief. It was as if the thing I’d been holding in with my words for so long finally got to be alive out in the world. Parts of my body that have been super tense for days relaxed. My chest felt expanded, like I could breathe better. I felt the weight of my words holding me in my solidly in my seat.
I am a fuller human being today for having shared those words. And when we walk away from those opportunities because we think it doesn’t matter, or it won’t change anything, we are only denying that fullness to ourselves.
If you aren’t willing to pay attention to what is true in the deepest parts of you, you’ll always be hungry for more. No one will ever be enough until you own that all of you deserves to be expressed (and you find a way to express it).
So, give it a try this week. Give that little voice inside a little extra attention. What’s the thing you’re avoiding because it feels insignificant? What’s the thing you really want to say, but feels like it won’t change anything? Try it. Do it. Say it. And see how it makes you feel. (And then tell me all about it below!)