I had a client a while back who was frustrated about attracting men that she didn’t want to see for more than just a date or two. She was having a good time, but none of them really felt like keepers.
I asked her what she wanted, what was she looking for. She said that she wanted to meet a bunch of people and have a good time. As we continued to talk, it became apparent she wanted more.
She said she wanted to meet someone that she felt really connected to, and to have an experience that is fun and light and where they won’t demand all of her time. Then she slipped in a comment about not wanting to give her whole life away.
It turns out, she was basically saying she was afraid to connect with just one person because she knows herself well enough to know that she’ll start to let go of things in her life that are important to her. But, having a deeper type of connection with one person was actually what she wanted.
Mixed signals are a problem
So here’s the thing. The first trick to attracting the kind of man you want to attract in dating is that you have to be be 100% honest about what you want. It’s totally ok to say I want to be involved with one person and I want it to be light and fun, and I’m scared that I can’t do that and maintain my sense of self. It’s also totally ok to say I want to find someone to marry. Or, I want to meet a new man every weekend. It doesn’t really matter what the truth is…but the important piece is being honest with yourself.
Part of being honest with yourself involves looking at the reasons why we want what we want. It is essential that we aren’t pretending to want something because we think that’s the only setup that will work for us and/or our situation.
It’s easy to ignore the shadow and act like we’re 100% right with the thing we say we want.
Oh, the shadow. What’s that, you ask? It’s the part of us that is unconscious, not yet ready to see the light of day. It’s the parts that we hide, because things like darkness, taboo desires, and shame live there.
When we’re considering what we want, often we leave the shadow components entirely out of the picture by pretending they don’t exist. In my client’s case, it felt a little shameful to say, “I don’t know if I have the discipline to maintain the things that are important to me if I find a relationship that I really like.” So instead of saying that to herself, she translated that into, “I wanna meet a lot of people and have a good time,” but that wasn’t true.
When we say we want things that we don’t actually want, we can’t ever have them without rather intense struggle, if at all. They won’t be drawn to us in the same way things are drawn to us when we are fully aligned with what we want.
Line everything up
So, step one to having successful dating with men you actually want to go out with is to make sure that you are fully aligned with what you want, and that the words you might be using in an online dating profile, for example, match that.
Or, take it a step further and make sure the words you use when you’re on that first date and the guy asks you what you want match up. Let’s just say you’re looking for someone to marry and have kids with, but you mutter, “Oh, I’m just seeing what’s out there.”
One of the most consistent things that I hear from my ladies is, “Men! All they want is to hook up.” And that’s not actually true. There are lots of good guys looking for relationships out in the world. There’s a reason you’re attracting those men, or that you’re attracting men who want that with you. It has something to do with what you are describing either to yourself or to other people about what you want.
If you can adjust how you describe the thing you want to be a more honest reflection of what you do want, acknowledging the fears and all, then you have a better chance of attracting people who want the same thing.
Are you ready to dive back into dating?
In the comments below, tell me one thing you’re most hesitant about to get started!
And, if you’re really serious about having it be a different experience this time with a different result, I’m offering a 6 week coaching program to work on specifically how to get back into dating – you can read more about it here if that’s up your alley.