You know what you don’t want.
You’re done with hookups.
You’re done with men looking for a mom and not a partner.
You’re done with needy dudes who don’t want you to have your own interests or life.
You’re done with wasting your time.
You’ve got plenty of responsibility already…dating and relationships shouldn’t feel like more work.
Amen. (And hallelujah. I concur.)
I’m gonna break it down for you here. Because the two things happening here matter. And they will make the difference between whether you can have the relationship you want or not.
Pulling more than your own weight is soul-sucking exhausting. And feels shitty. And makes people bitter and resentful and want to only hang out with cats.
Way back in 8th grade Social Studies, I was assigned to a group project with Kevin, the boy who thought the world could be bought with his charm. During our initial pass of the assignment, I was focused on nailing down our concept and making a work plan. He just kept telling me how pretty my eyes were. (Insert eye roll.)
We divided up the work, went our separate ways, and then re-convened a week or so later to bring all the pieces together.
Surprise! He hadn’t done his part of the project. None of it.
But…but…I was a straight A student. I wasn’t going to take the fall for this loser not doing his part.
So, what’d I do? I finished his part myself.
I got the A. (And a lifetime of disdain for people who don’t pull their weight.)
He got an A handed to him for doing nothing other than being incapable.
My desire for the A was stronger than my desire to not be taken advantage of.
The sentence above could just as easily read, “My desire for relationship was stronger than my desire to have an equally-invested partner.”
This. When it feels hard, this is why. It’s because you’ve taken on things that are not yours to take on. That you’re carrying more than your share of the load. You’ve been trying to carry enough desire for a good relationship for the both of you.
To have the relationship you want, you must stop taking on the parts of the relationship that are not yours to take on.
The second thing that’s important?
There are two ways to get where you want to go: suck it up and get there, or make it feel the way you want it to feel.
Why on earth would someone take on more than their share? This is what happens when you are attached to the outcome. Come hell or high water, I’m going to _____________ (get married, have a baby, get a man to pay my bills, insert your goal here).
This is different from a desire to have those things. The difference is in what you are willing to overlook or not do to get to your destination.
You’ve done the relationship where you gave up something important in order to have it, consciously or not. You’re ready to have a relationship, but you only want it if it feels good, you get to be you, and your partner really gets you.
With all the other great things in your life, you don’t have the patience for something mediocre these days.
You want your pursuit of relationship to feel good. Yes, I get it.
And right now, it doesn’t, so you mostly avoid it with the list of reasons why it’s not possible. Or worse, you feel like you’re flailing in it.
Right this minute, you can decide to have the relationship you want. Know that doing things differently will bring different results.
You want to feel understood by a partner.
You want to feel a certain level of ease.
You want a relationship that brings you joy, connection, and companionship. (And great sex.)
That unicorn you’re looking for does exist. BUT, that unicorn you’re looking for *can’t* show up unless it feels good. Unless you hold the ground for the relationship you want to have. As soon as you step into that, the band, flock, herd, whatever of unicorns, will be knocking down your door.