I used to not like conflict. I thought it meant that I was difficult or a bitch. So I avoided it at all costs.
Someone made me mad? I told myself that they weren’t worth my time.
Someone hurt my feelings? I told myself that it wasn’t worth my effort if they couldn’t see that for themselves.
Someone assumed something about me that wasn’t true? I couldn’t be bothered to set the record straight.
You’ve definitely heard it. You’ve probably even said it.
“What’s the use?”
“I don’t have time for that.”
“If they don’t want to understand me, I’m not going to spend any more energy on it.”
“If he doesn’t have the common courtesy to say he’s not interested, why should I tell him that I’m pissed off? It’s not going to do any good.”
But, really, your feelings got hurt.
In those moments, before you got mad, or upset, or annoyed, or decided they weren’t worth your time, a tiny thing happened. Your feelings got hurt.
And, often it is much easier to skip over that part and head straight to the consequences. The consequences come in different forms, but they all share one theme: disconnection.
When your feelings get hurt, it is the most challenging thing to stand there and say, “Ouch, that hurt.” It’s so much easier to bail. (And we can always defend the reason!)
But so much at the core of what you want is wrapped up in being able to stand there and say, “Ouch, that hurt.”
Disconnection from others sucks, but it feels worse when you disconnect from yourself.
I know you’re saying, “No, Rachel, I don’t want to tell someone they hurt my feelings.”
Yes, I get it. But you do want the two things that become available to you in the moment you do that. Connection to yourself, and connection to the other person.
When you jump ship before you’ve acknowledged that your feelings have been hurt, you very subtly tell yourself that any effort you might make on behalf of representing your feelings isn’t worth it. Cue disconnection from self. “My feelings don’t matter, therefore I should just walk away, because this person isn’t going to care anyway.” (Ok, that’s dramatic, but some version of that is probably occurring.)
And when you don’t speak up about what’s bothering you, it’s not you being the bigger person. It’s depriving the other person of a chance to understand you better, to have a sense of how certain things make you feel, to create connection between the two of you.
Moments of disconnection make being vulnerable the most difficult, but also the most valuable tool.
When you have a sense that nothing you say will likely make the outcome any different, it hardly seems like the right time to step forward and share what’s in your heart. But that is precisely when it matters most.
Do you show up for yourself, even when there’s nothing to gain?
Do you tell the truth about how you feel, even when you feel like the other person just can’t meet you there?
Do you risk losing a man, or a friend, or having an argument with a family member because showing who you are is more important than shrinking from it?
Healing the disconnection with yourself feels good. And, the bonus is it changes everything about your ability to connect with others.
Ready to get reconnected with who you are? More Me is still open for enrollment – you can learn more and enroll here. (We’ve got some amazing ladies doing incredible experiments and getting lots of traction already!)