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Last night, I was catching up with a girlfriend. We were sitting at a table on the sidewalk of a bar where a jazz trio was playing. (Hugh Grant should have been strolling by at any moment.) She mentioned a man that’s got her feeling all atwitter.

She proclaimed loudly, “No! I don’t like feeling like such an awkward goofball!” 

I shared with her that when I feel that way around a man, I know that I’m in the right place. It tells me it is a place where I can’t manage what parts of me someone sees, or play it cool. For me, though often vulnerable, it is one of the most liberating and alive experiences ever. 

She looked sort of horrified.

And then, in a turn of events, she looks at me and says, “This is my favorite song, we are going to dance.” She grabbed my hand, pulled me up out of my chair, and led me all over the sidewalk while a whole bunch of people watched. (This is my own personal flavor of horrified…seriously!)

Two very different examples of being out of control…two very similar reactions. 

• What will people think? 
• Do I look stupid right now?
• I’m not dressed for this!
• I’m not a very good dancer…how will I know what to do?
• Will my friend be disappointed in my dancing?

There were many more, but they all amounted to me being afraid of being judged, or I was already judging myself. 

This is why we resist being out of control. Because it’s hardly ever professional, appropriate, what’s expected, or what everyone else is doing. It is usually the opposite. And we judge the hell out of that. (Or we think others are judging the hell out of us for it.)

A different take on being out of control.

But there’s a different school of thought that says we actually like being out of control. It makes us feel alive and human, and less like robots.

Quick, name five of your favorite things! Mine: sex, rainstorms, swimming in the ocean, a meal someone else prepares for me, and surprises that I never saw coming. 

Not one of these is able to be controlled by me. They all involve things outside of me (except for the sex part, but I’d say that the energy that gets created there is also bigger than me and out of my control.) So, as much as we cringe at the idea of not being in control, when we are willing to be out of control, it actually has the potential to bring some of the juiciest experiences into our lives.

So, instead of judging myself, I’ve been practicing owning my love of being out of control: 

• I love that I’m so comfortable with myself that I’m willing to look stupid. 
• The price of doing new things is potentially failing at new things…but dang, it’s fun to try new things.
• I love that my joy is more important than what others think.
• Every time I do something new or unexpected, I learn things about myself. 
• Every time I do something new or unexpected, I give other people permission to do this too. (And that really just means more fun in the world.)
• Being out of control is a lot like making up a new game…sometimes it comes together nicely, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way, we can always start again.

Here’s what I know.

After dancing on the sidewalk, I felt the blood in my cheeks, and more alive than I’d felt all day. Even though I wouldn’t have volunteered for that gig, I was so glad she pulled me into it. 

I much prefer living a life of rosy cheeks and not knowing what will happen next to reliving every experience I’ve already had on repeat. It’s so much more fun. And free. 

Getting good at being out of control. 

We all find ourselves at one point or another feeling pretty out of control in our lives. We don’t know what will happen with our jobs, or our relationship, or something else that feels outside of our control. 

And there are skills you can learn and use to both control the things you can and let go of the things you can’t. (Save me now, as it appears I’m paraphrasing the Serenity Prayer from AA…)

I’ll share more about it next week, but here’s a sneak peak. A dear friend of mine and I are planning a retreat in Bali at the end of November (the Thanksgiving long weekend, for the Americans in the house)…where you will learn these skills and practice letting go. So you can create both the safety to let go, and to find the enjoyment in being out of control.

If you’d like more dancing on the sidewalk, and more surprise and delight (instead of the doom and fear that often comes with being out of control), I’d love to have you along. If this is you, feel free to reply to this message and we can set up a time to chat about whether it’s a good fit.

Your turn. 

Until then…make a note of the things you control in your life. Is it a long list? Is it a short list? What does being in control of the things on the list say about you? How does it define who you are? 

And then…choose one thing, and see if you can just let go. Let go. And then when you feel yourself grab for it again…let go.

After being divorced for 7 years, I’m moving in with my ex-husband.

But, it’s NOT.LIKE.THAT.

Nope, there’s no reconciliation on the horizon. 

What there is is a child in the mix who really wants (and would thrive in) the stability of having one home. Basically, he wants to have all his toys in one place and know what’s in the refrigerator. Who can blame him? (And, he also probably wants the answer to why his Halloween candy disappears when he goes to his dad’s house, but that may be an answer he never gets.)

The internal work that made this possible.

I had to work through some things to get to a place of being able to do this, and I want to break it down for you. I’ll say first and foremost, my ex and I have done a lot of work on our relationship in the last seven years, mostly due to the fact that we have a kid who really needed all hands on deck, and we had to find the same page. We’ve had to iron out the kinks and learn to accept each other for who we are. Like, truly. 

1. I had to consider what I wanted for myself and my son.

• I knew that I wanted space for myself outside of my parenting duties, so I’ll still be living in two places (which is cool for now). 
• I also knew that I didn’t want to create a living situation in which I was responsible for all the upkeep of a home and a child. I wanted something collaborative, cooperative. 
• I’m feeling pulled to embark on some adventures…only time will tell whether the kid comes along or not, but I wanted him to feel really secure and settled, so that any opportunity feels like a choice and not like it is being chosen for him. 
• I should mention that dreaming about what I wanted has been happening for awhile…long before this felt like an option.

2. There is a sense of deeper knowing at play.

I don’t really know how to describe it, other than I know this is the right move. I don’t have any evidence for why this is important, or how it will be important, but it deeply feels like the right thing to do.

3. I had to remember that, just because I was choosing this, doesn’t mean that I can’t choose something else at a later time.

I didn’t sign my life away to living together for eternity. (I”m pretty sure we got out of that contract seven years ago!) What has made this possible is that I’ve presented my ex-husband with all the information that I have about where I see my life going. I’ve had to share some challenging things (because they reflect on my role as a mother), and I’ve had to say some things that might feel hurtful for him to hear. I had to be really honest about where I was, and how I was viewing this situation.

4. I keep coming back to the trust I have that it always works out. 

It does. It always does. I don’t need to control it; I just have to take responsibility for the way I show up to it. Even this little piece has led to some significant breakthroughs that I know will show up in other parts of my life. (Oooh, maybe next week I’ll write about all those years I unknowingly wanted to be rescued…)

And then…the magic is in making the decision.

This may feel obvious, but you’d be surprised at the number of people I know who do all of the internal work that I mentioned above, but then don’t actually DECIDE that that’s what they want, and start to walk toward it. 

You must decide. When you decide and walk toward it, that it when outside forces can start to gravitate in your favor.

As soon as we decided that this was what we were doing, a great house magically appeared (in a pretty scarce housing market), and we happen to be acquainted with the owners, each of us in different ways. I feel relatively certain that the house will be ours.

Your turn. 

Those steps I listed above? You can follow them, too, to move towards having what you want. 

• Know what you’re wanting to create. The more specific you can be (without labeling), the better.
• Acknowledge the things you already deeply know about what’s true.
• Find a way to commit…while leaving room to breathe for when/if things shift.
• Trust that it will work out. (Act as if it will.) 
• Decide.

By the way, this is what we’ve been working on in my women’s group, Rock-Solid Worth, this month. It’s been so fun to see the breakthroughs and ladies building momentum as they really dial in getting more of what they want! If you think you want to join us, we’d love to have you. (It’s $39 a month, you can cancel anytime.)

So now, tell me, where’s the place you get hung up the most in this process? Leave me a comment and remind me that you’re a human on the other end of the internet!

I’ve been having a lot of conversations with women lately about boundaries (and how much we collectively struggle with them!)

Let’s say you grew up in a family where the way you learned how to cope with some dysfunction was to not have your own needs, or where you needed to take care of someone else. Your sense of safety relied upon not having boundaries that served you. 

There are a million different examples of why not having boundaries occurs, but the important thing is, when we don’t have good boundaries, we often close off our hearts. 

And then you arrive at a place where part of you really, truly wants to have an open heart. It becomes necessary for reaching the next level of your life. (A life where you love yourself as much as you love others. This happens in romantic relationships, with children, with friends, family, bosses, clients, really anywhere you are interacting with other people!)

It is is impossible to have (and keep) an open heart without solid boundaries.

So first, the desires. 

That life where you love yourself as much as you love others? That’s a desire. Put some finer details on it, like a partner that respects you, like friendships that nurture you, like work that feels fulfilling. All of those are desires. 

You must know what you want. You must put as much detail to what you want as possible. You must be clear that those wants are yours. You must be clear that they are the biggest version of the desires you have. Expansive.

Boundaries are the structure that allows you to realize those desires. 

If you want to be in a long term relationship, you may create a boundary around only dating people who are available for that.

If you want to be an entrepreneur that enjoys time off, you may create a boundary around your work hours and days off. 

If you want to create more productive time at work, you may create a boundary around how/when someone can interrupt your work. 

The boundaries support the desire…and when held, they allow for your heart – and your energy – to remain open.

All the things that we need to have boundaries around, but don’t, are the things that cause contraction. They are the places that we sense we need protection but don’t have any, so we must curl inward to stay safe. 

Boundaries allow us to remained unfurled. 

Boundaries keep us safe.

Boundaries support us in our choices. 

Boundaries are there when our conditioning compels us to cave. 

Boundaries are a way of saying that I love myself as much as I love you. 

Your turn.

What’s something in your life that you’re wanting/trying to create? What are the boundaries you need to hold around it to support that desire and really let it come alive? Leave a commetn and let me know – I read and respond to every one!