Blog

I had the opportunity recently to dive into a conversation with a Death Coach. (Yep, that’s a thing…turns out, looking at our fears around death can really catalyze living the life you really want.)

What she said was that in looking at death, and making decisions about how her clients wanted to do life differently, many people focused on their relationships with others. They want to be kinder, they want to share how they feel more often, they want to get less hung up on the little things. 

And mostly, they want their loved ones to know how much they truly love them.

What would be left unsaid if you were to die today?

I don’t mean to be morbid, but really, what would you wish you had said to the people you love? 

My dad will turn 93 next month. (Why I have a dad that’s so old is a story for another time, clearly.) He’s in great health, and is as feisty as anyone I know, but his death isn’t something I can pretend is in the very distant future anymore.

When that became apparent to me, two things happened. One, I had to find a way to work through pretending like every time I saw him would be the last. (That would have been too traumatic for both of us, and perhaps a bit overkill, no?) And two, I had to think through what I really wanted him to know, without a doubt, whether I had the chance to say goodbye or not. 

There is no doubt in my mind that this man knows I love him, appreciate him, and that he has made a wonderful difference in my life (and continues to do so). And for me, I can live with that, even if I don’t get to say goodbye.

It might be something or someone different for you…but going through this process with my dad has allowed me to transfer this to other people in my life. I don’t leave any love on the table. I don’t wait for the right time, or just the sappy moments. I tell people how I feel when I feel it, and I’m thankful that the emotion I often wish to share is love.

So, it’s settled: just love people more.

Easier said, than done, right? And what about the rest of your life – your to do list, and the bills to pay? You can’t just lay around loving people all day. 

What if I told you that the rest of your life isn’t what’s getting the way of you loving more? 

What if I told you that you could go about your life in the same way with a whole lot more love, would you be willing to drop the thing that’s getting in the way?

Lemme guess. You want to know what that thing is before you’ll decide. 

Well…since you asked.

You need to fire the sentinel that’s been assigned permanent duty to guard your heart. 

You know the part of your heart that has been hurt in the past by family, friends, lovers, or even perfect strangers? Yeah, that part. 

When you decided you didn’t ever want to feel that way again, you assigned a guard. You said, “Stand here, and don’t let anyone in, no matter what. It’s not safe.” Ok, you probably didn’t say that, but this reaction – without the words – is very typical.

And while this guard has been effective at keeping people and things out, it’s also keeping your love at a distance from the places you truly want to give it. (It may be helpful to think of this as the blood that flows to and away from your heart. If it’s not coming in, it’s not going out.)

Tap in to the softer places. 

This doesn’t mean splaying your heart open for all to see. It’s more like giving it careful attention to making it whole and strong again, so you don’t need the guard anymore. 

I wish I could tell you this is an easy three-step process, but everybody has a heart that’s traveled a different path. I can tell you that it involves shining light onto the dark parts. I can also tell you that when something feels dark to you, it’s hard to be the one to look at it with genuine light. 

So, really, the only part of the process that’s straightforward is connection. Sharing your heart can heal it.

Your turn. 

If you knew you were having your last conversation with someone, what words would you want to not be left unsaid? What needs to heal so you can bring more love into the everyday moments of your life, so there are no regrets? 

I was taught to stand up for myself, to fight to get ahead. (Not physically of course, unless we’re talking about my brothers. I did fight them.) I was taught that there was a winner…and that in order to win, you had to be willing to take the opportunity from someone else.

So, here’s the thing. I know that I am strong enough and, more importantly, sharp-tongued enough that I can force getting what I want with my fight. 

I can make you feel bad. I can get my way. I used to use both of those on my ex-husband regularly. (If you’re reading, I’m sorry, and thanks for letting me keep at it until I got it right.)

Even though my tongue can still be sharp, and I say what I mean, I don’t hurt people intentionally anymore. I don’t need to. 

Yep, I just admitted that I’ve been a mean girl. 

It’s likely that in order for you to hear what I have to say here, you’re gonna need to pause and acknowledge that maybe there was a time or two in which you were mean, on purpose. Where you used your words to hurt someone.

I’m not being facetious. That’s a hard thing to admit – and you may not think you’ve been in a similar place. 

What I do know is that me being hurtful to others was always justified. I wasn’t saying anything untrue. 

But, intent has a part to play here. And while most of us might admit to recognizing something as hurtful in hindsight, we pretend we didn’t realize it going in – when the reality is, we probably did. We just thought of it as fighting to win…hurtful wasn’t even a filter we considered. (Realizing we were hurtful was only available to us in hindsight.) 

So, if you want to get to the place where you can have what you want without making other people wrong or bad in order to get there, step one is acknowledging that you have had this experience. 

How did my inner mean girl transform?

I can tell you one thing, it certainly didn’t happen from me waking up one morning all bright and cheery, sing-songing, “I’m never going to be mean again! I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings ever!” Ok good, all done!

It came from me feeling the impact of it. 

From someone calling me out on how much the words I was using hurt them. And instead of naming all the reasons what I’d said was true, or claiming innocence because I didn’t realize it, I chose to listen and hear what they were telling me about how it felt. 

Instead of lighting the match and walking away, I stood in the fire. And I stood in the fire with that person until we both felt reconciled. Truly reconciled, not surface it’s-ok-I’m-fine kind of shit.

That day, I learned a couple of things. 

There’s always something soft and tender underneath what’s causing me to be hurtful on the outside. I didn’t want to own up to the vulnerable, gooey stuff happening below the surface, and fighting had been a way to avoid that. When I fight, I don’t have to say the thing that I really want, or what’s really on my mind. 

I also learned that I am perfectly capable of standing in the fire. I learned that I could get real and raw and vulnerable in front of another person – and make it out alive. And so could the other person. And it was a beautiful experience to share. The place we got to on the other side was deeper, stronger, and more solid a relationship than before. 

But the best lesson I learned that day? That I didn’t need to hurt someone else and end up in the fire with them to be able to have an honest conversation about what was really going on with me, or with them. 

Have conversations that connect, instead of tear-down.

The next time you feel the conflict coming on, and the urge to fight, look for the connection, not the differences. 

Ask yourself, “What’s really bothering me here? What do I want that I’m not getting? Is there something I need to say that will make this interaction more transparent?”

Ask the person you’re feeling the urge to fight with, “What’s really bothering you here? What do you want to have happen? “Is there something you want to say that will help us have a more honest conversation?”

The answers may surprise you. 

• I’m jealous of your financial success.
• I always feel like you’re angry at me.
• I just wanted to feel important.
• I don’t know if I’m good enough.
• I love you.

When you get to these moments, you remember there’s no battle to be won. Just a person with feelings, a lot like you. We can find the compassion, the understanding, and often, the path out of conflict. 

It’s not you against the world. Staying connected – in the fire or out of it – long enough to get to the bottom of what’s really there will reveal so much, and the fights can dissolve as fast as they showed up.