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Dude. I moved over the weekend into a new house. And for like the last 72 hours, I haven’t stopped. (Because I really dislike not knowing how to function, and stuff everywhere makes me crazzzzy.) 

And for about the last 24 hours, I’ve been tired. Like, take a nap in the middle of the day tired. (I never do that, but you bet your britches I did that today.) 

This morning, when I was jotting down the things I wanted to prioritize today, when it came to self care, I wrote three things: yoga, outside, bath. 

By 6 p.m., it was clear I needed some space to take care of myself.

It was a bit ambitious at that point to try to cram in yoga, outside and bath. If I’d been on autopilot, I would have chosen yoga, because it was Tuesday at 6 p.m., and that’s what I usually do on Tuesdays at 6 p.m. 

I took a moment to pause and ask myself what I needed. I needed a bath. I needed to be by myself, I needed to be warm, and I needed to give my tired body the chance to do nothing. I needed my fingers and toes to get pruney as evidence that I’d done nothing for a really long time.

Routines can take you only so far in productivity, before the solution is calling for something totally unproductive.

When productivity begins to tank, we usually think we need to crank up the intensity. Go harder, do more, push further. But what’s really being called for is PRESENCE. 

Slowing down, feeling, listening for what’s next. Space. Breath. 

This is where you can really hear the truth. 

There are any number of activities that can bring you to this place, or assist you in it. And often, we get over-attached to the activities themselves (and checking them off our lists), and not focused on the purpose for engaging with them. 

The difference between putting it on the agenda…or adding it to the menu.

Let’s just use baths as an example for a moment. Baths can provide lots of things: relaxation, cleanliness, soaking sore muscles, time alone, warmth and comfort. 

If I were to take a bath for the purpose of getting clean, that would be an agenda item. I’d be doing it to get something on the other side. (Clean.)

If I wanted to feel relaxed and have some space alone, taking a bath is one of the things on the menu that I could do that would contribute. 

When we add self care items to our agendas (to accomplish something specific), we’re not actually getting all the benefits of doing it. Part of the benefit of self care is to become present to your needs. It is the act of saying, “I have needs. What do I need right now?”

When you answer this question, and you can pull from an array of menu options, you’re more likely to connect with the most meaningful activity to you in any given moment, and therefore, get the most benefit. 

Your presence to the question (instead of the autopilot answer) is what opens up your ability to be more present for what is next. And next after that.

Anything that cultivates presence will eventually increase your effectiveness.

Notice I didn’t say that cultivating presence will increase your productivity. Because it won’t. But what it will do is make your actions more effective, because you won’t be throwing spaghetti on the wall and seeing what sticks. You will understand the right things to do more regularly. You will understand what things need your energy and what things don’t. You will understand when you need to act, and when you are to wait. 

Your experience of your life changes when you can feel (and go in the direction of) what is true. 

Presence as a superpower. 

Last week, I promised to tell you more about the retreat coming up in Bali. We’re going to be working with the energy of surrender, and how to do that with grace. You know, you’re taking big risks to live those big dreams, and it feels uncomfortable as hell. You don’t just have to sit in the discomfort – there are actual tools and practices that make those risks that look crazy to other people feel completely normal and sure to you. 

And…you guessed it. A lot of it has to do with your ability to be present. The other good news? This can be practiced. 

When you are present, you have a different view of the playing field. You can see things that others can’t. You can concentrate on things that will make a difference, instead of focusing on what you don’t yet know. 

This is just one of the juicy skills we’ll be cultivating in Bali. There are several more – all in service you going after those big dreams that call for big leaps. Stepping into greatness isn’t accidental; it requires that we let go of who we’ve been to become the bigger versions of ourselves. 

If this greatness is a part of your path, and you’d like to discuss joining me in Bali, send me an email. We’ll set up a time to talk and see if it’s a good fit. 

Until then: less agenda, more menu items. Choose what feels right in the moment.

Last night, I was catching up with a girlfriend. We were sitting at a table on the sidewalk of a bar where a jazz trio was playing. (Hugh Grant should have been strolling by at any moment.) She mentioned a man that’s got her feeling all atwitter.

She proclaimed loudly, “No! I don’t like feeling like such an awkward goofball!” 

I shared with her that when I feel that way around a man, I know that I’m in the right place. It tells me it is a place where I can’t manage what parts of me someone sees, or play it cool. For me, though often vulnerable, it is one of the most liberating and alive experiences ever. 

She looked sort of horrified.

And then, in a turn of events, she looks at me and says, “This is my favorite song, we are going to dance.” She grabbed my hand, pulled me up out of my chair, and led me all over the sidewalk while a whole bunch of people watched. (This is my own personal flavor of horrified…seriously!)

Two very different examples of being out of control…two very similar reactions. 

• What will people think? 
• Do I look stupid right now?
• I’m not dressed for this!
• I’m not a very good dancer…how will I know what to do?
• Will my friend be disappointed in my dancing?

There were many more, but they all amounted to me being afraid of being judged, or I was already judging myself. 

This is why we resist being out of control. Because it’s hardly ever professional, appropriate, what’s expected, or what everyone else is doing. It is usually the opposite. And we judge the hell out of that. (Or we think others are judging the hell out of us for it.)

A different take on being out of control.

But there’s a different school of thought that says we actually like being out of control. It makes us feel alive and human, and less like robots.

Quick, name five of your favorite things! Mine: sex, rainstorms, swimming in the ocean, a meal someone else prepares for me, and surprises that I never saw coming. 

Not one of these is able to be controlled by me. They all involve things outside of me (except for the sex part, but I’d say that the energy that gets created there is also bigger than me and out of my control.) So, as much as we cringe at the idea of not being in control, when we are willing to be out of control, it actually has the potential to bring some of the juiciest experiences into our lives.

So, instead of judging myself, I’ve been practicing owning my love of being out of control: 

• I love that I’m so comfortable with myself that I’m willing to look stupid. 
• The price of doing new things is potentially failing at new things…but dang, it’s fun to try new things.
• I love that my joy is more important than what others think.
• Every time I do something new or unexpected, I learn things about myself. 
• Every time I do something new or unexpected, I give other people permission to do this too. (And that really just means more fun in the world.)
• Being out of control is a lot like making up a new game…sometimes it comes together nicely, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way, we can always start again.

Here’s what I know.

After dancing on the sidewalk, I felt the blood in my cheeks, and more alive than I’d felt all day. Even though I wouldn’t have volunteered for that gig, I was so glad she pulled me into it. 

I much prefer living a life of rosy cheeks and not knowing what will happen next to reliving every experience I’ve already had on repeat. It’s so much more fun. And free. 

Getting good at being out of control. 

We all find ourselves at one point or another feeling pretty out of control in our lives. We don’t know what will happen with our jobs, or our relationship, or something else that feels outside of our control. 

And there are skills you can learn and use to both control the things you can and let go of the things you can’t. (Save me now, as it appears I’m paraphrasing the Serenity Prayer from AA…)

I’ll share more about it next week, but here’s a sneak peak. A dear friend of mine and I are planning a retreat in Bali at the end of November (the Thanksgiving long weekend, for the Americans in the house)…where you will learn these skills and practice letting go. So you can create both the safety to let go, and to find the enjoyment in being out of control.

If you’d like more dancing on the sidewalk, and more surprise and delight (instead of the doom and fear that often comes with being out of control), I’d love to have you along. If this is you, feel free to reply to this message and we can set up a time to chat about whether it’s a good fit.

Your turn. 

Until then…make a note of the things you control in your life. Is it a long list? Is it a short list? What does being in control of the things on the list say about you? How does it define who you are? 

And then…choose one thing, and see if you can just let go. Let go. And then when you feel yourself grab for it again…let go.

After being divorced for 7 years, I’m moving in with my ex-husband.

But, it’s NOT.LIKE.THAT.

Nope, there’s no reconciliation on the horizon. 

What there is is a child in the mix who really wants (and would thrive in) the stability of having one home. Basically, he wants to have all his toys in one place and know what’s in the refrigerator. Who can blame him? (And, he also probably wants the answer to why his Halloween candy disappears when he goes to his dad’s house, but that may be an answer he never gets.)

The internal work that made this possible.

I had to work through some things to get to a place of being able to do this, and I want to break it down for you. I’ll say first and foremost, my ex and I have done a lot of work on our relationship in the last seven years, mostly due to the fact that we have a kid who really needed all hands on deck, and we had to find the same page. We’ve had to iron out the kinks and learn to accept each other for who we are. Like, truly. 

1. I had to consider what I wanted for myself and my son.

• I knew that I wanted space for myself outside of my parenting duties, so I’ll still be living in two places (which is cool for now). 
• I also knew that I didn’t want to create a living situation in which I was responsible for all the upkeep of a home and a child. I wanted something collaborative, cooperative. 
• I’m feeling pulled to embark on some adventures…only time will tell whether the kid comes along or not, but I wanted him to feel really secure and settled, so that any opportunity feels like a choice and not like it is being chosen for him. 
• I should mention that dreaming about what I wanted has been happening for awhile…long before this felt like an option.

2. There is a sense of deeper knowing at play.

I don’t really know how to describe it, other than I know this is the right move. I don’t have any evidence for why this is important, or how it will be important, but it deeply feels like the right thing to do.

3. I had to remember that, just because I was choosing this, doesn’t mean that I can’t choose something else at a later time.

I didn’t sign my life away to living together for eternity. (I”m pretty sure we got out of that contract seven years ago!) What has made this possible is that I’ve presented my ex-husband with all the information that I have about where I see my life going. I’ve had to share some challenging things (because they reflect on my role as a mother), and I’ve had to say some things that might feel hurtful for him to hear. I had to be really honest about where I was, and how I was viewing this situation.

4. I keep coming back to the trust I have that it always works out. 

It does. It always does. I don’t need to control it; I just have to take responsibility for the way I show up to it. Even this little piece has led to some significant breakthroughs that I know will show up in other parts of my life. (Oooh, maybe next week I’ll write about all those years I unknowingly wanted to be rescued…)

And then…the magic is in making the decision.

This may feel obvious, but you’d be surprised at the number of people I know who do all of the internal work that I mentioned above, but then don’t actually DECIDE that that’s what they want, and start to walk toward it. 

You must decide. When you decide and walk toward it, that it when outside forces can start to gravitate in your favor.

As soon as we decided that this was what we were doing, a great house magically appeared (in a pretty scarce housing market), and we happen to be acquainted with the owners, each of us in different ways. I feel relatively certain that the house will be ours.

Your turn. 

Those steps I listed above? You can follow them, too, to move towards having what you want. 

• Know what you’re wanting to create. The more specific you can be (without labeling), the better.
• Acknowledge the things you already deeply know about what’s true.
• Find a way to commit…while leaving room to breathe for when/if things shift.
• Trust that it will work out. (Act as if it will.) 
• Decide.

By the way, this is what we’ve been working on in my women’s group, Rock-Solid Worth, this month. It’s been so fun to see the breakthroughs and ladies building momentum as they really dial in getting more of what they want! If you think you want to join us, we’d love to have you. (It’s $39 a month, you can cancel anytime.)

So now, tell me, where’s the place you get hung up the most in this process? Leave me a comment and remind me that you’re a human on the other end of the internet!