This baby’s gonna be a two part series, because there are a couple of big concepts that are important enough that I want you to let them sink in all the way.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote something referring to wanting to find a man who has his shit more together than me. A reader asked me to say more about where to find these men, so here goes. (You see that? You tell me what you want to read about and I write it! Magic! If you’ve got things you want me to talk about, let me know!)
Ok, back to our regular programming.
You know what a dollar bill looks like, yes? If you found one on the sidewalk, you’d know what it was right away, and you’d know what you could do with it. You’d know what it’s for, what it’s not for, and that it serves better in your wallet than as a napkin.
Easy. No problem.
You know what a twenty dollar bill looks like, right? Again, you know it’s purpose and there’s a familiarity to it that has you feel comfortable with it.
The Million Dollar Bill
Now, what if I presented you with a million dollar bill? What would you think? Would you have any idea what to do with it?
You’d probably have some doubt, some incredulousness. You might feel like a sucker for wanting to believe it’s real. You also know that if you took it to a coffee shop to use it to buy an iced coffee, the barista (and anyone else within earshot would think you’re nuts. (And, they’d also want a smaller bill…because stores always want smaller bills! Also: not your problem.)
And, more importantly, if you walked by one on the street, you might be taken aback by it briefly, only to continue on, your radar pulled toward something more easily recognizable.
What are you talking about?
When you are looking for men who have their shit together more than you do, you can’t keep doing the same things you’ve always done that have resulted in you finding men without their shit together. Because you don’t recognize the behavior, it’s easy to pass them by or step on their toes without even knowing it.
But I’m not willing to be someone different just to get a man.
I’m not asking you to be anyone different. But I am suggesting that your actions don’t always fully align with what you most deeply want. (Me too, trust me.) That sometimes you act based on what/who you think you have to be, instead of what/who you really want to be.
More about this in the next post, but in the meanwhile, if you’re not convinced, go ahead and ponder the question: If I could trust that someone else had it handled, would I choose to do this?
Expand what you are able to have.
Last weekend I went on a first date. With a man who very clearly is looking for a relationship. And since he was coming from that place, everything about the way he approached our date showed me exactly how it would feel to be in a relationship with him.
As we were coordinating details, he sent a text that read, “Are we meeting there, you want me to have a car pick you up, what’s your preference?”
In my head, I was like, “duh, of course I can drive myself there.” And then I stopped and asked myself what would feel best. Turns out, I loved the idea of not having to drive myself there. So I texted back that I’d love to be picked up, either by him or a random stranger (alluding to an Uber driver, of course).
His reply? That he would have a car pick him up, and then they would come for me. My mind was blown. (Literally, I don’t think I’ve ever had this happen before.)
If I had jumped to my typical answer of, “I’ll meet you there,” I would have not been allowing space for him to actually give me what I wanted, and he also wouldn’t have the opportunity to see how much gestures like that mean to me (and perhaps setting the tone for what happens down the road in a relationship).
The lesson? If you want to have more from the men in your life, you have to expand what you are capable of having. It will most likely feel unusual. It will probably feel uncomfortable. You may shut it down before you even consciously see it unfolding.
Let the bagger carry your groceries to your car.
Allow someone to hold the door for you.
On your next date, let the man buy you dinner.
Most of time, the men in your life are responding to you. When you settle for less, that is what’s offered to you. (And then at some point you look around and are like, “Argh! Why doesn’t my boyfriend ever bring me flowers?!”)
How do I have more if I’m not used to it?
There are five basic elements to expanding your ability to have more:
- Get clear on what you want – the key here is that there is no level of what or how much is “appropriate” to have. Sky’s the limit, baby.
- Share it – either by asking for it, or stating it.
- When it shows up, let it in. Really savor the experience of the “having” of the thing you wanted.
- Express gratitude for the thing in a way that feels good to you.
Here’s a quick exercise to try to start to tackle the first two steps.
- Grab a friend.
- Each of you make a list of ten things you want just because you want them. (The less practical the better.)
- One at a time, share your list with your friend, pausing after each item. Once you’ve read an item, your friend will say to you, “You can have it!”
- Do this for every item on your list and then your friend can share her list in the same way.
Think of one thing that would blow your mind if you could have it. I dare you to share it in the comments! (And then let me know once it shows up!)