Welcome back to the second installment of finding a man with his shit more together than you. Wheeee! This post is gonna be a little woo-woo, well, because I am, and because I don’t know any other way to explain this concept.
Let’s start with a quick overview of what I mean when I’m talking about a guy having his shit together. I think the bare minimum description of this is a guy with a career (as opposed to just a job), a place to live that doesn’t belong to his parents and involves an actual bed, pays his bills on time, and knows how to feed himself and maybe do a load of laundry.
I know, I’m setting the bar pretty low. Mine is actually much higher, and so is yours. I just wanted to make sure we’re basically talking about the ability to materially provide for himself, some sense of drive/purpose, a domestic duty or two. (For purposes of keeping it simple, we’re not even going to look at having one’s emotional shit together in this post, but I imagine for most of you, that’s part of a guy having his shit together as well.)
Now that we’re all on the same page about that, let’s talk about the why.
Why does a guy having his shit together even matter to you?
- You don’t want to assume the role of “most capable” in your relationship.
- You don’t want to have to work so hard all the time.
- You don’t feel attracted to someone presumably less competent than you.
- You don’t want to be your boyfriend’s mother.
- You don’t want to do all the work of relationship with no reward.
Ok, these are good. And, generally, when we have a list of complaints or things we don’t want, there’s something a layer deeper that we DO want. Let’s look at what those things might be.
- You want to feel deeply supported (and that doesn’t feel possible if you’re the one pulling all the weight in the arena of material providing/household management/purpose in the world.)
- You want to be having really hot sex. You want your man to be confident about who he is in the world (and you want that to show up in the bedroom).
- See the one above. Hot sex.
- You want to relax. You want someone to share the load with.
- You want to feel met by your partner. Someone who gets you and gets what your needs are, and is willing to show up and meet them.
Masculine and feminine: not a political movement
You may be familiar with the concepts of masculine and feminine energy. If not, let me say that masculine does not equal male, and feminine does not equal female – every one of us has our own unique makeup of both types of energy (and we can shift them consciously to make one more prominent than the other).
A few qualities of masculine energy are: action-oriented, driven, single-focused. Primarily, the masculine is concerned with DOING.
A few qualities of feminine energy are raw, emotional, intuitive, nurturing. Primarily, the feminine is concerned with BEING.
Opposites attract
Paula Abdul wasn’t wrong when she sang Opposites Attract. (Am I the only one who knows what I’m talking about here?)
Think about magnets for a minute. In order for them to physically pull toward to each other, they must be polar. (That is, they can’t each have the same side facing toward one another and still be pulled together.)
Masculine and feminine energy works the same way – there must be polarity to attract. They only come together when the energetic charge of the side facing the other magnet is directly opposite (or sometimes referred to as complimentary) in energy.
A man who embodies masculine energy will be strongly attracted exactly proportionally to a woman who embodies feminine energy.
Oh, so that’s why I attract unemployed, weak, directionless men.
Yep. 100 times yep. When you are going on about your badass life with your badass self, you get a lot of shit done. This puts you in the mode of DOING. (Nope, I’m not calling you masculine, but you are definitely using masculine energy in this state.)
In order to attract a man stronger and more capable than you, you have to become his polar opposite. You have to be emanating a lot of feminine energy. More BEING, less DOING.
You know what happens when you’ve just left the beauty salon, and you walk down the sidewalk with a little swish in your hips, and you flip your hair and you’re just FEELING good? The guys turn and stare, right? Well, that’s not your new haircut…they’re feeling your feminine energy in full effect.
Am I suggesting that you drop everything you’ve got going on and just get your nails done and then sit on the couch and eat bonbons? Not exactly, though it probably wouldn’t hurt to experiment with it for awhile.
More BEING, less DOING
Most of the women I know, in a subconscious effort to prove their worth in the world, have bought the messages that we need to do more, get more done, be more productive, have it all, etc, etc, etc. We have been poisoned to think that if we are not doing something to get ahead, we are falling behind.
You can have it all. And it’s not by doing more.
Let’s look back at the desires that were a layer deeper than the things you likely don’t want in a relationship:
- You want to feel deeply supported.
- You want to be having really hot sex.
- You want to relax.
- You want to feel met by your partner. Someone who gets you and gets what your needs are, and is willing to show up and meet them.
All of these things are really about a feeling, not something to do. You don’t have to do anything to have a partner bring any of this to your life. You just have to be you.
How would you show up in the world if having the four things listed above were your only job? This is the place to start. Do that. Even if it’s only for 15 minutes a day. An hour a day. Do that.
Be the person that doesn’t have to *do* anything to make this happen. Be the person that has it already. What would she do? (She’d probably get her nails done and eat bonbons on the couch.) Leave me a comment below about how you want to “be” – I can’t wait to hear what you’ve got in mind!