While I’m over here making dating in 2018 easy, I’ve run into a bit of a hiccup.
My confidence has taken a hit.
For the last month, I’ve had a gnarly rash. Think giant chicken-pox type marks all over my torso. Real doctors can’t tell me what it is, other than they’re “pretty sure” it’s not contagious and that my skin isn’t being eaten by tiny worms. Great. So helpful.
(In case you’re worried about me, don’t. I’ve got an appointment with my witch doctor, and I think we’ll be able to tackle it…something about repressed anger and resentment…nothing a little wacky ceremony with weird ingredients won’t be able to take care of.)
As you might imagine, I definitely don’t want to be caught dead wearing a bikini at this moment. And the thought of going on a date with someone that I like enough to let his hand wander onto my back underneath my shirt is mildly horrifying.
What’s a girl to do?
Let’s talk options. But first, some TMI for you. (As if the rash wasn’t enough of that for one email?)
I don’t have a whole lot of (read: any) rules for how physical I’ll get on a first date. I rely on asking myself what I want, and following how it feels, moment to moment.
Does this mean I’m having a lot of sex on first dates? Absolutely not. (Most men can’t handle it, but that’s a story for another day. :))
Ok, now that that’s out of the way, here’s the situation:
I meet someone online that asks me on a date (that I want to go on!)
Option 1 – I put off scheduling the date until the rash has disappeared, citing January is a really busy month.
Option 2 – I schedule a date, but wear a tucked in turtleneck and offer up body language that says “stay away,” even if I’m having a great time and under any other circumstances, would be moving forward physically.
Option 3 – I tell the dude I have an undefined rash. I agree to go on a date with him at his own risk.
Option 4 – I say yes to the date. I go on the date. When I get the sense that we are hitting it off, I tell him how I’m feeling. “I’m really enjoying our time, and I’m feeling attracted to you. And, because my body is having a mental breakdown right now, I’m going to need to hold off on us getting physical.”
A few words on confidence
Confidence can come and go, right? There are days when you can walk into a room like you own the place, and there are days where you shrink yourself in the back corner of the bus, hoping to not draw any attention.
Did you know that shrinking into the corner of the bus can be confident as well? The difference between that coming across as confident or as hiding is your level of OK-ness with it.
The underlying thing that creates confidence is a willingness to not hide. The deep knowing that you are human, and you are fantastic as you are.
What’s the most confident response?
Of the answers above, written as they are, Option 4 is the most confident. It’s the option that is most in line with what I would do if there were no rash, and where I’m presenting that I’m really ok with what is. Option 3 could also be construed as confident, though it has undertones of anticipated rejection.
And just for fun, let’s take a look at how these likely come across to my date:
Option 1: Maybe she’s just looking for attention or a penpal. She’s not interested enough to make space for me. (He gives up.)
Option 2: She is conservative, not warm, and dresses like a grandma – nothing like the vibe I was getting from messaging. (He’s disappointed and/or confused, and there’s no second date.)
Option 3: Ewwww. I don’t know her well enough to think this is funny or like I trust that her “rash” is ok. (He passes.)
Option 4: This date is fun, I like her! And of course I can wait for the hot making out. (Second date coming right up!)
Are you OK with you? What are the things you hide?
Tell me, where do you struggle with confidence? What are the things you’re not all that confident about? What are the things you wait until later to share with people you’re interested in? What would be different in your life if you were more confident?
Leave a comment below to share your answers with me. I’d love to give you a starting point for working with your particular *thing.*