Will You Love Me Now? How about now?
I’ve been uncovering some childhood trauma lately. (It’s totally what I do for fun these days – I really need some new hobbies.) Not crazy oh-my-god-I-can’t-believe-that-happened-to-you trauma, but run of the mill trauma, like not feeling like I belonged in my family, and that at some point I would be found out.
Or, the idea that I could only be loved if I behaved a certain way (which, incidentally, was fully my interpretation of the situation, not necessarily reality) is another one. Ugh. Well no wonder there were periods in my life where relationships felt really difficult.
I’m not a huge fan of reliving childhood. I think it’s important to know, though, where the origins are of our current behaviors so we can be aware of them. And find forgiveness in ourselves for them.
One of the primary ways childhood experiences (or our interpretations of them) show up in independent women is what’s sometimes referred to as over-functioning. And it basically boils down to the idea that you need to EARN someone’s love.
Earn your way to love (and subsequent heartache) as fast as you can go through these motions!
In childhood, it can look like this:
Oh, you don’t love me as I am? How about I morph myself into someone better by getting perfect grades in school, excelling at sports, being first-chair violin? Now do you love me?
No? Fuck. I must be doing it wrong. I’ll try something else. *Takes up new extracurricular activity.*
These patterns get so engrained that they persist into adulthood:
Oh, you don’t love me quite as I am? How about I make it easy for you to love me by making myself really available (physically and emotionally), not rocking the boat or asking too many questions, not making too many demands? How about I do nice things for you just because, and pretend to like things you like because it will allow us to spend more time together? Now, will you love me?
No? Fuck. I must be doing it wrong. I’ll try something else. *Finds another way to let the guy know how willing you are to move heaven and earth to be with him.*
Nope, still doesn’t work? This is where the heartache shows up. *Cue sobbing.*
Being is enough.
I recently heard someone talking about all the things that happen on earth without anyone trying to make them happen. Plants grow, seasons change, a fetus grows in the womb and is born without any effort at all, etc, etc, etc. These things are a given whether we try to control them or not.
Love is also something on our planet that is a given – because love is the natural state of people. It flows most freely when you don’t attempt to control it. You are worthy of love – and the relationship you want – independent of anything that you think you must do to try to have it.
You are enough. You don’t have to do anything to have love except be.
What would you stop doing if you knew who you are is enough?
Ok, it’s your turn to tell me – what would be different in your life if you could just be, and it would be enough? Where would you stop trying to demonstrate your worth? Drop a comment below…and then stop doing it. XO