I went on a date the other night. Sitting in the back corner of a quiet restaurant (not because it was a “quiet” restaurant, but because it just wasn’t that crowded), I was keenly aware of my laugh being a bit too loud.
It was a first date, and we’d met online. Within two minutes of meeting he said to me, “Um, you’re more [insert mumbled words I couldn’t understand] than I was expecting.”
And while I didn’t ask for clarification on the mumbled words, I knew exactly what he meant.
I was a bit too much. It didn’t really matter too much what, exactly.
You know what I’m talking about.
It can feel really confusing. And hurtful.
It’s like a compliment, but it’s not. You know you’re pretty amazing. Smart, skilled, strong, confident, clear. And sometimes it feels like you’re being punished for being those things.
Everywhere you turn in the world, more is being called for. Working harder. Pushing faster. Being better. Growing stronger. And yet, somehow your version of being more pushes the envelope too far.
Being called too much of something plucks that one resonant string in your heart that all of your efforts to be the best human being you know how *still* isn’t quite right. Ouch. That really hurts.
The shame of being awesome and still not being “quite right” enough.
Did I mention that this hurts? It’s one thing to feel as though you don’t deserve something. It’s quite another to know without a doubt that you do, and still not feel like you have access to it.
It likely has you asking the question, “What is so wrong with me?” (That, or it has you really pissed off, which is also an appropriate response…as you’re simultaneously labeled as too much for overreacting.)
So you question, and you calibrate.
Was my hair too big? Was it not done up enough?
Did I show too much emotion? Not enough emotion?
Was I too capable? Did I make others look bad? Was I a good team player?
Did I want it too much? Did I seem desperate? Should I have been more standoffish?
Did I make that in to a way bigger deal than it needed to be? Should I not care so much?
You twist and turn and contort and try to fit. You swing between feeling like too much, and beating yourself up for not being enough. But the problem is, no one is offering the dimensions of the box that you’re supposed to fit in.
It’s enough to make anyone legitimately crazy.
But let’s not go crazy like that, sister.
Want to know the only problem with your too-much-ness? It’s that you believe it to be at least a little bit true.
The other night at the restaurant, I knew my date thought I was a little bit too much. But I didn’t care. I kept laughing loudly. I told him I didn’t like banana pudding. I owned that I have big dreams and a huge heart. I created depth and playfulness and shared myself. I didn’t apologize one bit for any of it.
Because, at the end of the day, I have to live with myself. I have to be good with how I am and who I am. The contentment that comes from being aligned with who I am – fitting perfectly in my own box – has me barely aware of what others think of me.
So, the work isn’t in changing how others perceive us. It is in changing how you perceive you. And that doesn’t require twisting and contorting, just relaxing into who you are.
Are you ready to find the “just right” in your “too much”?
It’s a beautiful thing to return to, the sense of who you are when the outside world isn’t relevant. That’s how we all began.
If you often feel like you have to make yourself smaller in the world in order to fit, I know how difficult it is to squish yourself into a tiny ball. (I don’t know about you, but being all wadded up like that makes me super grumpy.)
I’m often told – and I know it’s true – one of my strengths is being able to locate the parts of you that aren’t in their natural state, to find the tiny contortions that are keeping you smaller than you naturally are.
Want to find more ease and comfort in who you naturally are? Go here to book a completely complimentary, no-strings-attached, 90-minute call with me, and we’ll dive right in.