After being divorced for 7 years, I’m moving in with my ex-husband.
But, it’s NOT.LIKE.THAT.
Nope, there’s no reconciliation on the horizon.
What there is is a child in the mix who really wants (and would thrive in) the stability of having one home. Basically, he wants to have all his toys in one place and know what’s in the refrigerator. Who can blame him? (And, he also probably wants the answer to why his Halloween candy disappears when he goes to his dad’s house, but that may be an answer he never gets.)
The internal work that made this possible.
I had to work through some things to get to a place of being able to do this, and I want to break it down for you. I’ll say first and foremost, my ex and I have done a lot of work on our relationship in the last seven years, mostly due to the fact that we have a kid who really needed all hands on deck, and we had to find the same page. We’ve had to iron out the kinks and learn to accept each other for who we are. Like, truly.
1. I had to consider what I wanted for myself and my son.
- I knew that I wanted space for myself outside of my parenting duties, so I’ll still be living in two places (which is cool for now).
- I also knew that I didn’t want to create a living situation in which I was responsible for all the upkeep of a home and a child. I wanted something collaborative, cooperative.
- I’m feeling pulled to embark on some adventures…only time will tell whether the kid comes along or not, but I wanted him to feel really secure and settled, so that any opportunity feels like a choice and not like it is being chosen for him.
- I should mention that dreaming about what I wanted has been happening for awhile…long before this felt like an option.
2. There is a sense of deeper knowing at play.
I don’t really know how to describe it, other than I know this is the right move. I don’t have any evidence for why this is important, or how it will be important, but it deeply feels like the right thing to do.
3. I had to remember that, just because I was choosing this, doesn’t mean that I can’t choose something else at a later time.
I didn’t sign my life away to living together for eternity. (I”m pretty sure we got out of that contract seven years ago!) What has made this possible is that I’ve presented my ex-husband with all the information that I have about where I see my life going. I’ve had to share some challenging things (because they reflect on my role as a mother), and I’ve had to say some things that might feel hurtful for him to hear. I had to be really honest about where I was, and how I was viewing this situation.
4. I keep coming back to the trust I have that it always works out.
It does. It always does. I don’t need to control it; I just have to take responsibility for the way I show up to it. Even this little piece has led to some significant breakthroughs that I know will show up in other parts of my life. (Oooh, maybe next week I’ll write about all those years I unknowingly wanted to be rescued…)
And then…the magic is in making the decision.
This may feel obvious, but you’d be surprised at the number of people I know who do all of the internal work that I mentioned above, but then don’t actually DECIDE that that’s what they want, and start to walk toward it.
You must decide. When you decide and walk toward it, that it when outside forces can start to gravitate in your favor.
As soon as we decided that this was what we were doing, a great house magically appeared (in a pretty scarce housing market), and we happen to be acquainted with the owners, each of us in different ways. I feel relatively certain that the house will be ours.
Those steps I listed above? You can follow them, too, to move towards having what you want.
- Know what you’re wanting to create. The more specific you can be (without labeling), the better.
- Acknowledge the things you already deeply know about what’s true.
- Find a way to commit…while leaving room to breathe for when/if things shift.
- Trust that it will work out. (Act as if it will.)
By the way, this is what we’ve been working on in my women’s group, Rock-Solid Worth, this month. It’s been so fun to see the breakthroughs and ladies building momentum as they really dial in getting more of what they want! If you think you want to join us, we’d love to have you. (It’s $39 a month, you can cancel anytime.)
So now, tell me, where’s the place you get hung up the most in this process? Leave me a comment and remind me that you’re a human on the other end of the internet!